School, school, school…where do I begin? Well the first
thought that pops in my head as I start this post is, I miss summer! Ha! Who
doesn’t? BUT, summer has come and gone and in it’s place has come the demands
of college. Gone are the lazy sunshiny days and the carefree weekdays. Sigh…
Not So Fantastic First Day...
Well, I’ll start at the beginning because this story has a
happy ending and I want to fully describe how faithful the Lord is. The
beginning of my junior year at NKU was rough to say the least. Oh my goodness,
it makes me tear up thinking back to those first few days because they were so
emotional and so draining. The Sunday before school started was all but a
sleepless night between my overactive brain, my anxious stomach, and my
overactive tear ducts (self diagnosed…kidding). SO, I woke up Monday morning
with puffy and red eyes. Great first impression material, right? Ha! Monday
morning I was a mess. Capital M-E-S-S. Just about everything made me cry and no
part of me wanted to start this new said “adventure.” My sweet love came and
picked me up and drove me to school, which was an absolute gift seeing as my
eyes were too blurry with tears to drive and I had no idea where I was
going/where to park. Once I arrived on campus, I took a deep breath and started
my day.
After making it through my first class, I was feeling more
confident and emotionally stable…and then I had a three-hour break. AKA- three
hours to sit, think, process, and get emotional again…all alone…on a strange
and unfamiliar campus. So there I was, on the verge of tears yet again. At this
point I knew that calling anyone would cause me to officially break down and
the chances of recovery at that point were slim to none, so I chose to use that
time to eat my (packed by my precious momma) lunch, listen to music, and play
on Pinterest (always a surefire way to bring me out of my sadness. Ha!
Kidding…kind of). Oh and pray. A LOT. As I sat and thought (too much) I began
feeling so completely alone and felt like there was no way of ever escaping the
fear of regretting my decision to transfer and my fear of never feeling like I
belong somewhere. Again…tears just on the verge of surfacing. About that time,
as I sat alone with my headphones in, laptop on, and lunch box out (totally
unapproachable right?) some goofy boy decided to pay my table a visit. Now
typically I would have at least acknowledged his presence, BUT not that day.
Not when I was doing all I could do just to make it through the day without
having a meltdown in front of everyone. So this kid, who I’m assuming had to
have been an overly confident freshman who had not yet gathered what the
unspoken rules of human interactions were, sat at my table, a table that was no
larger than like a living room side table, just staring at me. When I didn’t
look up, he would swing around so that his back faced me and then make an
obvious scene as he swung back around. If I hadn’t been so emotional I would
have laughed and asked if he was serious. But instead, I simply ignored his
presence all together and waited (for about 10 minutes I might add) for him to
get the message and leave me alone. Geesh, talk about an awkward exchange I was
totalllly not in the mood for.
Well, after that whole ordeal, I went to my second class for
the day (a three-hour class that lasted the. whole. time.) and was finally
finished with my first day at NKU. I was so mentally, physically, and
emotionally exhausted after the day that once again, I was so relieved and
thankful that my sweet love was there to drive me home. Once the adrenaline
wore off later that evening, I was left feeling completely lonely, afraid,
disappointed, sad, and pretty much helpless. And then I cried. And cried. And
then I cried some more. In the midst of comparing UK and NKU (and seeing more
cons than pros), missing my friends, missing the familiarity of UK, and just
being flat out overwhelmed with all that any first day brings, I was such a
mess I just sobbed for a couple hours until I was all cried out and exhausted
from it all. Of course I woke up the next morning with red and puffy eyes again. Ha! Take
two on the first day of school and take two on another great impression. The
second day was pretty emotional as well and ended with a horrible class (that I
dropped) but I didn’t have any meltdowns (at school) so that was a definite success.
About This College Thing...
After considering dropping out of college, wondering if I
actually wanted to be a teacher, looking into associate degree programs, and
having a near meltdown with my advisor on the phone, I got my schedule situated
and convinced myself that I had already invested too much time to throw in the
towel now…well that and the fact that in the back of my mind (and my crazy
emotions) I knew I was fully capable of achieving a bachelor degree and knew
that I would be failing myself if I did anything less. Phew…talk about some
serious drama.
Thankfully I don’t have any classes on Wednesday’s so they
are my mental health/recovery/work day. Praise the Lord! I think having my
Wednesday’s off were all that saved me from dropping out (kind of kidding). The
first two Wednesday’s of the semester I got to meet with my precious friend,
Torie and talk about life and just kind of vent and then laugh with her. Did my
heart so good.
Then and Now...
Fast-forward a couple weeks and I am officially in my fourth
week of my semester and surviving! Actually I am surviving and thriving. It’s
crazy. I actually…brace yourself…like
school. I mean, at least as much as you can like it. I am not on campus but
about 10 hours a week because of two online classes and a field experience
class I’m in so that helps A LOT. With all of my transfer credits, I am in the
admissions semester of the education program at NKU. Meaning, I get to hang out
with precious first graders four hours a week….and get credit for it. As I
write this, I guess that hanging out with these kiddos is what makes me like
school. My other classes are…well, they are classes…long and pretty boring
classes really. Ha! But I am LOVING getting to see some of my hard work pay off
and actually be applied in the classroom. Oh goodness, I look forward to
Tuesday’s and Thursday’s now because I get to spend time with the little ones.
I love them. And I love their little hugs as I walk around the classroom. Makes
me tear up thinking about it because they are just so innocent and sweet. I
can’t walk around the classroom without one of them reaching out with a little
knee hug or one of them requesting “Miss Emilee” to show off their work. I am in love…which is a HUGE relief and great affirmation that I am in the right field
of study.
Thoughts and Lessons...
Making friends at UK is so much easier than at NKU…I miss my
sweet friends.
All of my teachers are actual professors as opposed to
having all TA’s at UK.
Gold and black are totally not as pretty as blue and white.
Wildcats will always be cooler than a Norse…because really,
who even knows what a Norse is?
NKU doesn’t have anything like CSF…which is a definite
bummer.
Having to drive to class is both a blessing and a curse. I
have serious sing along time in the car but definitely miss just getting to
walk to campus.
I don’t necessarily like feeling like a freshman as a
junior.
I am hardly on campus…only 10 hours. Weird.
Online classes are oddly intimidating.
NKU doesn’t have anything on UK pride…miss my Wildcats.
Northern Kentucky just doesn’t have as great of restaurants
as Lexington.
Parking at NKU is soooo much less stressful than at UK.
NKU is very…eclectic. I have seen about every color hair of
the rainbow and sometimes all of them together.
Getting to see Darin (nearly) every day is ah-mazing.
Going to class only 3 days a week is awesome and having a three-day
weekend every weekend is making me spoiled.
Sleeping in 3/5 days a week is fantastic.
Dancing and singing around the house aren’t as encouraged
here.
Watching Friends for hours on end is also not encouraged
here.
Habits die hard…I type in uky.edu almost every time instead
of nku.edu.
It’s possible to maintain “every day” friendships with
friends you don’t see every day.
Planning fun adventures with friends and family make the
week go by so much more quickly.
Not driving back and forth from Lexington every week is
awesome…but I’m still using as much gas as I commute to and from NKU and
Collins. Oh well.
I can actually wear normal/cute shoes to campus because I am
no longer walking a couple miles a day.
I no longer wear sweatpants and a t-shirt to every
class…gasp!
Even more of a gasp is…I actually dress up to go to school
(because I leave there to go to Collins). Yeah, big deal everybody.
Listening to Ben Rector makes the drive so much more manageable.
The car ride is premium time to catch up with sweet
friends/family…on speakerphone of course ;)
Living at home makes focusing and being motivated to do
homework nearly impossible.
I’m watching more sports than ever before…can you guess why?
I’ll give you a clue; it starts with a D and ends with –arin. Not complaining.
I apparently have an attention span less than 3 hours...because my 3 hour classes make me certain I have ADD.
My sweet loving driving me to my Thursday night class makes it manageable.
I will always be a Wildcat at heart...GO CATS!
Faithful...
Well, there you have it folks…God is SO amazing. In just a
few weeks time, He has allowed me to find a new normal here. It’s different for
sure and I sometimes get choked up thinking about what I would be doing/what
I’m missing at UK. But, there have been some priceless lessons learned and some
seriously great times with friends and family. I really do love getting to do
normal life with Darin…it’s amazing. No longer is our time together an event
but just life. I have learned so much about him, learned so much from him, and
we have grown in such a noticeable way these past few months by just being able
to do life together. I am so thankful. It’s also been great to be really
intentional with my friendships both in Northern Kentucky and in Lexington and
Louisville as well…while I don’t love talking on the phone, I have found such
joy in having catch up dates with my friends to stay updated and involved in
their lives. Praise God for technology! I also love getting to spend so much
time with my parents. They are so much fun and I know that this is a valuable
and unique stage of life. My parents are so generous and so loving and I am so
thankful.
And friends, God. Is. Faithful. And He hears our prayers. As
I listened to All Sons & Daughters “Great Are You Lord” (over and over again)
I was struck by how Great our God really is. In the midst of my all but
emotional breakdown, the Lord put people in my life to speak truth and love to
me. He orchestrated a way to make my schedule work out. He allows me to have
time to rest in His presence by having my off days. He continues to affirm my
decision and give me peace in each moment. He allows me to still feel the
sadness I sometimes feel about missing UK…because it allows me to appreciate
what I had and what I still have in my friendships there. He has convicted me
in multiple ways. He has orchestrated an amazing group of girls for me to do
life and be in community with. He has given me an amazing church community and
ministry to partner in with Darin. He keeps teaching me and loving me in such a
gentle and compassionate way. He loves me. And I am so thankful.
Life Goes On...
Great Are You Lord...
Life Goes On...
In the midst of school, I have managed to continue doing fun
real life things…which has been great! I was so convinced that school starting
meant my life was ending. Not dramatic at all, guys. To my pleasant surprise,
life has continued and has been full of sweet days with my love and fun days
with my friends and family. Again I will say, thank you Lord!
Forgiven Much...
Last thought...can I just take a quick moment to brag about my amazing man? My sweet love preached last weekend and it was so good...amazing really. He spoke about forgiveness, using the story of the sinful woman (Luke 7:36-50) and spoke such words of conviction and truth. Also, he used our sweet friends Josh and Heidi Brown's story of grace and forgiveness...wow. Hello tears. Gosh, I was so proud of him, humbled to love him, and thankful to be loved back. If you have 33 minutes to spare (or even if you don't)...check it out! We have been Forgiven Much.
