((Written on June 16th)) Well it’s been about two years since I last blogged and this certainly isn’t the way I had hoped to break my writing hiatus. There are a lot of words jumbled in my mind and emotions wrestling in my heart, but I thought taking some time to reflect could be both cathartic for me and maybe healing for those of you who have walked this lonely road as well. This is an extremely vulnerable post to share and I hesitate to post it because I don’t like the well-intentioned attention it’s bound to bring. I also hate the reality of saying it out loud. But, I trust and believe God uses our brokenness for His glory and our pain for His purpose, so I’m posting this believing God will use it for our collective good and His glory.
Yesterday (June 15th), we learned I miscarried our second baby. The brother or sister for Levi we had longed to know and love. The baby we had prayed for and dreamed of since the moment we found out about him/her. We found out on Mother’s Day we were adding to our family and were absolutely thrilled and overwhelmed with joy. For about 9 weeks I had the privilege of carrying our baby, knowing about him/her for about 5 of those weeks.
Writing him/her brings tears to my eyes because I wish I had known. I wish I had known if this baby was our son or daughter. In reality, I know the loss would be even greater had we known. More real. But not knowing makes this loss almost feel illegitimate. I've found myself discounting my grief, knowing it fails in comparison to others who have lost the baby/child they knew, who they had named, and loved for days, weeks, months, or years. I know grief can't be compared, but if I’m being completely honest, it's been a weird thing to process. How can we properly grieve a baby we hardly knew? How can we honor this baby when our only glimpse of life was the heartbeat I saw on the monitor only two weeks ago? I am still wrestling with those answers, but today I’m choosing to remember this baby by introducing him/her to you. I want you to know about our baby and to share in the reality of him/her, even if that reality on Earth was only for 9 weeks.
Out doctor told us yesterday she believes 50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. 50%. That number is absolutely staggering and means many of you reading this post have walked this road before. Miscarriage is a really lonely and vulnerable loss. With nothing tangible to show for the loss, it feels really raw and personal. So many people share the experience of this kind of loss, but no one can quite share in the loss because they didn’t even know there was a baby to celebrate or lose before he/she was gone.
I cried most of yesterday and am understandably still weepy today. I expect that’ll be the story for the coming days and/or weeks to come and probably in unexpected moments the rest of our lives. Darin and I have both agreed it all feels really surreal. With no evidence of the baby that was or the life that was lost, we’re left trying to process something deeply painful and yet intangible. Since yesterday morning, we’ve grieved and cried over the life that was lost and the dreams that were lost with it. We’ve grieved the baby we had hoped to know and now won’t this side of Heaven.
This experience has been brought with it some warring emotions…both disappointment and gratitude, sadness and joy, frustration and peace. Already we have seen the Lord’s faithfulness and the way He has answered our prayers. On Sunday night, I knew in my spirit we had lost the baby, but prayed anyway for protection over our baby. Yesterday morning when I no longer saw that sweet little fluttering heartbeat, I knew the Lord had answered my prayer. Not the way I had hoped, but He had answered it nonetheless. He protected our baby from a lifetime of physical and/or mental disabilities. He protected me from a potentially dangerous pregnancy. He spared this baby from enduring pain and us losing him/her later on in pregnancy. This baby was not meant for this world and while my heart aches over that reality, I’m grateful. Grateful for a good God who loves us through our grief. Grateful for the hope of Heaven. For the hope of meeting this baby someday, who got to bypass the brokenness of this world and go straight into the loving arms of our Heavenly Father.
Baby, while your life was so short here on Earth, we choose to celebrate and remember you. To use this pain to walk well with others as they navigate this lonely road, and to hold onto the hope of Heaven and the sweet reunion we'll someday have with you.
You, dear child, have been prayed for and dreamed of
for years. It has always been one of the greatest desires of my heart to be a
Momma and being yours has brought me immeasurable joy these last six weeks. Everyone
warned us not to blink, but our sleep-deprived eyes must have failed us because
somehow you are already a month and a half old. Part of me is sad that you’ve
already grown so much, while the other part rejoices that you are healthy
enough to grow. Sweet boy, your Daddy and I cannot get enough of you. We are
absolutely in awe of all that you do and delight in every facial expression,
sound, and movement you make. It’s been nearly impossible to get anything done
because you are so distractingly cute and we would much rather stare at you
than do anything else. I often tear up just looking at you because I am so
overwhelmed by the reality that you are ours. Baby, we prayed for you long
before we knew you and continue to pray that you will grow up to be a man of
God, who loves others and points them to Jesus. We love that you are so unaware
of the ugliness of this world, but pray that in time, you will be a part of
making it more beautiful in the way that you love God and love others. We love
you more than we ever knew was possible and are so grateful that we get to be
the ones to love you! It is scary and humbling to be your Mom and Dad because
we know we will fail, but we pray daily for the Lord’s leading and that He
would fill in all the places that we fail. These last six weeks have forever
changed us and have brought us a new understanding of God’s immeasurable love
for us. You are a beautiful creation that was perfectly knit together by God
and we are in awe of the masterpiece He created when He made you.
Here are some things I always want to remember about
your first 6 weeks…
-You love “flying time” with Daddy
-When you look up, your forehead wrinkles and you look
like the cutest old man baby there ever was.
-Your favorite sleeping position is on Mommy’s chest
-You are the noisiest baby and make the CUTEST sounds
-When you sneeze, you throw your arms above your head
and it’s awesome!
-You do not like being swaddled and love to sleep with
your arms over your head
-You love riding in the car
-Your yawns are ginormous and last a good 5 seconds
-I kiss the top of your head and/or your cheeks at least a hundred times
a day because I just can’t resist your preciousness
-You are a gassy little guy and have “Man-Sized” toots
that make us laugh
-Right before you fall asleep, you give the sweetest
little grin
-We call you "Buddy" as much or more than Levi
-When you're "in trouble," Daddy calls you Leviticus -The first time we gave you a binky, you held it and we decided in that moment you were a genius baby. Ha!
-We comment on how cute you are at least 50 times a day...no exaggeration
-Right before you eat, Daddy often asks if you're ready to go to The Golden Corral
-When you are crying for seemingly no reason, Daddy often says, "Quit being a baby, baby."
A Few of Your Firsts…
-First car ride: Coming home from the hospital on May
27th -First Doctor’s Visit: Dr. Hsu on May 30th
-First Time at Church and First Holiday: Father’s Day
on June 17th
-First Road-Trip: To Hanny and Poppy’s House on June
22nd
-First Fun Family Outing: Central Park on June 5th -First Bath: June 19th
-First Grocery Store Trip: Kroger on July 3rd
In preparation for you, we worked and worked on your nursery...or as Daddy calls it, your palace. Your nursery is by far the best room in the house and was put together with so much love. Daddy worked so hard assembling your furniture and taping the strips on the wall, while I casted my vision for your room and helped paint. I love that nearly every piece of artwork was created by someone who loves you. Your name sign was made by Taproot and Co, your sign above the changing table was made by by Sarah Estey a super talented friend and coworker of mine, your elephant painting was made by Torie DiMartile one of my best friends, your block letters were made by our "relative" Josh Brown, and Hanny had your Levi Elephant sign made. You were loved by SO many people before you were even born, baby.
You decided to come 12 days early and we are so grateful for our bonus time with you! I want to document your arrival, but know my words will fail to express how surreal and beautiful your birth was. Levi, we delight in you and treasure you. We thank God every single day that we get to be your parents! Love,
Mommy
New Life…
A very (9 month) long story short, we found out I was pregnant on September 27th, my 25th birthday. We were ecstatic and overwhelmed with gratitude that we were able to get pregnant and prayed from that day on for our sweet baby. I had a really healthy pregnancy (minus being sick the month of October and a parvo-virus scare) and felt great right up until the day Levi was born. It was so amazing and absolutely humbling to have the opportunity to grow this precious baby that would be ours. We had the best time telling people we were pregnant and managed to capture most of our family and friends reactions on camera. We will always treasure their reactions. I told Darin multiple times throughout my pregnancy that I wished he could experience being pregnant...but I think he was grateful he didn't have to. Ha! We often marveled at God's design of new life and loved getting to feel him wiggle around. Levi LOVED to move, especially at night, when his Daddy got up to preach, and when music was played. I really loved being pregnant and am so grateful to have had the privilege of carrying our precious boy.
Photo by the talented, Dana Dirkes Photography
Photo by Sarah Keenan Photography, Outer Banks, NC
Now skipping ahead 38 weeks...
We went to the doctor for our weekly appointment on
Wednesday, May 23rd. The doctor was surprised by my progress (4cm
and 80% effaced) and told us she would be surprised if she saw us back the following
week. During our “Final Dinner as a Family of Two” that night at our favorite
restaurant, (Sotto) I started having inconsistent and mild contractions, but
was absolutely determined to go to school the next day and treat it like it was
my last day with my kids (a day short of the actual last day).
I slept pretty
restlessly Wednesday night, but woke up on Thursday full of determination…and
my contraction app close by. Ha! That morning I told my kids that the doctor
had told us that Levi could come anytime, so I wanted to make “Last Day of
School Memories” a day early, just in case. Throughout the day, my contractions
got more consistent and more intense, but after making it through half the day,
I knew I could finish the day strong(ish). One of my favorite New Haven
traditions is the talent show held on the second to last day of school. At the
end of the talent show, each grade level team performs for about 30 seconds and
the kids absolutely love it. Our team had decided to do a spoof on the popular
“Floss Dance,” so I danced my little heart out...unbeknownst to me, just 10 hours before Levi arrived.
In the weeks leading up to having Levi, every time I would call Darin he would answer with "Is it time?" When I called Darin that afternoon to tell him it WAS time...he didn't pick up. How hilarious is that? After school, I came home and Darin and I laid in bed
and kept track of contractions, which were consistently coming every 4-6
minutes. After rush hour had passed, we decided to leisurely make our way toward the
hospital…only after stopping at McDonalds for one last meal. Ha! When we got to
the hospital, we sat in the car for a few minutes as we anticipated all that was to come. Darin prayed for us and then we headed to triage to make
sure it really was “go-time.” After telling the front-desk nurses, "Um...I think I'm in labor" after they asked how they could help us and getting checked out, they
admitted me at 5cm and told us that on average, we could expect it to take an hour per centimeter. After
getting settled and talking to our nurse who told me to get my epidural "when I was tired of being in pain," I decided to go ahead and ask for it after enduring a few more contractions, which were coming every 2-3 minutes. While we waited for the nurse anesthetist to arrive, I paced the
room, knowing I wouldn’t be able to walk once I got the epidural. As I was
pacing, a contraction hit and I instinctively squatted down next to the bed….and my water
broke...everywhere. 😂 Darin laughed and said it was like the American side of the Niagara
Falls and looked for an excuse to say “amniotic fluid” about a hundred times after that. TMI. Ha! After my water broke, the contractions got a lot more painful. That was the roughest
stretch of labor by far and was the only time I cried in pain, as I had a serious contraction while getting the epidural. Not cool. My nurse was amazing and literally held my face in her hands and encouraged me through the contraction, as Darin was required to sit in a chair directly across from me while I got the epidural...apparently there have been so many Dad's pass out watching the epidural happen that they are required to sit in a place that they can't see anything. Ha!
Pacing the Room Pre-"Niagara Falls" and Pre-Epidural
Once I got the epidural, I was much more comfortable and was able to visit with Rachel and
Jeremy while we waited for Mom and Dad to get to the hospital and for me to continue to make progress.
Last picture as the "Fab 6"
Less than an hour after the epidural (around 11pm),
the nurse checked me and told us I was already at 10cm. (!!!!) She left to call
the doctor and we savored our last few minutes as a family of two.
At midnight, Dr. Wurzbacher arrived and before even
greeting us, asked us how competitive we were. She said she had delivered a
baby early that day in 31 minutes and wanted to know if we thought we could
beat it. We had been told that with the first baby especially, the average
“pushing” time was 1-3 hours, so we laughed, but really didn’t think anything
of the “competition.” At 12:06am I started pushing and at 12:20, Levi made his
grand entrance. Needless to say, we WON. Ha! Although it was only 14
minutes (I know I’m getting eye rolls from all you Momma’s out there), it was
such a surreal experience, physically and spiritually. Darin was an absolute
rockstar and cheered me on through each contraction. He seriously was/is the
sweetest encourager and I'm so thankful for the gift of doing this life with him. At 12:20am, we met our precious 6.13 pound, 19.2 inch son and our lives and hearts were
forever changed. I remember saying soon after his birth, "It doesn't feel like he's mine yet, so I don't feel like I'm biased yet, but he's a really cute baby." Ha! Two fun facts: 1. Levi and his Papa Paul (Darin's Dad) are Birthday Buddies, 68 years apart and 2. 12:20 was the time of our wedding 3.5 years ago. We had an hour of “Kangaroo Care” after he was born and tried during that time to process the reality that he was ours. I am STILL processing that reality because it feels too good to be true!
Darin's reaction when he found out we had "won" the competition 😂
Praying over our precious boy.
Daddy's first time holding Levi.
Oh my heart. 😍
After spending that first hour (plus) with him, we got
to introduce Levi to his Hanny, Poppy, and Auntie Rae and then soon after, his
Nana (who had driven through the night to meet him).
First picture as a Family of 7...minus Jeremy
Celebrating Levi's ACTUAL birthday.
We barely slept that night because we couldn’t stop looking at our
precious boy. After praying for this baby for 9 months, asking the Lord to
protect him and form him perfectly, it was absolutely humbling and overwhelming
to see that God had answered our prayers by creating him so perfectly, down to his tiniest fingernail. We were and are in awe of His
goodness. Thank you, Jesus for choosing us to be Levi’s parents. We pray daily
that you would lead us as we raise him and that you would fill in all the
places we fail to reflect your love and mercy.
These are merely the facts of his birth as my words
fail to adequately describe the depth of emotion we felt and the spiritual
journey we walked through as we welcomed Levi into our family. We are humbled.
We are grateful. We are forever changed because of this precious baby boy.
Near Death…
My stomach hurts as I type these words, but I always want to remember this story and the way it forever
changed me. Six days after Levi’s birth, I was feeling great and decided to go to
a funeral visitation of one of my dear friends’ mom. On my way home, just
minutes from our neighborhood entrance, a teenage girl crossed the middle line
after losing control and hit my car. I saw that she had lost control prior to
hitting me and remember being so confused at what I was seeing…I remember
thinking, “A car isn’t supposed to swerve like that.” I had the sense to veer
away from her and thought I had missed her when I felt the impact. She hit my
side so hard that my car rolled. In that moment, I remember saying, “No, no,
no” over and over again. All I could think of were Darin and Levi at home and
how much I didn’t want to leave them…of how our life as a family of three had
just begun. Based on the lack of damage to the top of my car, I know that I
rolled quickly, but it felt like an eternity.I landed right side up and my first instinct was to call
Darin using the car’s phone, since the contents of my purse had been
scattered in the roll. I realize now that I did things backwards and should have called 911
first, but I needed to hear his voice. In hindsight I realize I was in shock, but I very calmly told him I was okay, but that I had
been in an accident and needed him to come. As traumatic as the accident was
for me, it was just as traumatic, if not more for him. He told me after the
fact how awful it was that as he got in his car, he heard sirens and knew they
were for me. Levi’s car seat was in my car, so Darin had to lay our little 6-day-old baby across his lap to get to me. The visual of him getting
out of his car with Levi still brings me tears. By the time he arrived
(literally just minutes after the accident), I had already climbed through the
passenger window with the help of the kindest man. I desperately wish I knew his name so that I could thank him for his kindness and still hope to
miraculously run into him at the grocery store one day. He was there IMMEDIATELY and just hugged me as I cried. The
ambulance and police arrived immediately and started assessing my injuries,
which was only a bruised collarbone. That’s it. I absolutely believe God would have
been with me even if things hadn’t turned out the way they had, but I am
convinced that His hand of protection was over me that afternoon. The EMT,
police officer, and emergency room doctors all commented on how lucky I was. My life was graciously spared by God. There is no other
explanation for it.
Because of the severity of the accident, the EMT
recommended we go to University Hospital even though I had no signs of serious injury.
I went via ambulance, while Darin transferred the car seat and drove to meet
us. During the ride to the hospital, I couldn’t stop crying because I was just
so grateful. So grateful that what should have been, wasn’t. So grateful that
Levi and Darin weren’t with me, so grateful that I was alive, so grateful that
I wasn’t hurt. SO. INCREDIBLY. GRATEFUL. When I got to the hospital a poor
nurse was trying to make small talk and asked about Levi and Darin…and I lost
it all over again. The two of them were an emotional trigger. An hour and a
half after the accident, Darin got to the hospital (thanks to crazy traffic) and we sat together in the
emergency room completely overcome with emotion. I held Levi (who was
completely unaware of the trauma of the day, praise the Lord) and wouldn’t let
go of Darin’s hand. We both cried and battled to not live in the “what-ifs and
what could have beens.” I still can’t let my mind go there and have had to
practice “taking every thought captive” more than ever before. After spending
several hours at the hospital and having multiple CT scans, I was released with only a
bruised collarbone and pretty substantial hearing loss in my left ear. My
collarbone has since healed, leaving a faint scar to remind me of the day and
my hearing has greatly improved. I still notice hearing loss when I’m out in
public with ambient noise, but it’s a whole lot better than it was and for that
I am grateful. I am still healing from the mental and emotional trauma of the
accident and pray every single time I drive past the accident site. The first few days I cried all day long as the shock wore off and the
reality of the accident set in. Darin took an additional week off of work,
which was healing for both of us. I kept my boys within eyesight that whole
week and thanked God over and over again for the gift of life.
When I think about the accident, I am overwhelmed with
gratitude. Not for the accident of course, but for the way it changed me. Four
days after Levi was born, I remember being really emotional (primarily from
sleep deprivation) and feeling grateful, but also missing our “old life” and
being overwhelmed that our lives would never be the same. Since the accident, I
have savored every single moment of our little man. I went from having moments
of “have to” to living in a constant state of “get to.” I GET to feed him. I
GET to change his diaper. I GET to hear his cries. I GET to be the one to love
him. The accident made me a better mom, a better wife, a better daughter and
sister, and a better friend. When your life flashes before your eyes, your
perspective on life is forever changed. I thought I was grateful before the
accident for the good gifts the Lord has given me, but now I treasure each of
those gifts a little more and don’t take any of them for granted. While I would
have written the first week of Levi’s life differently, I am forever grateful
for the way the accident stripped away some of my selfishness and gave me an
appreciation for life I had previously taken for granted.
Our dear friend and amazing photographer, Meagan White was so sweet to edit away my seatbelt cut from Levi's newborn photos, but I'm also thankful for the photos that capture it.
In one week's time, we experienced new life and near
death and our lives will never be the same because of it.
All professional Delivery and Newborn photos taken by the amazing Meagan White with http://meaganwhitephoto.com/.
Summer is my FAVORITE. Sleeping in, reading, traveling, no alarm clock, lunch dates, quality time with my Sweet Love, carefree, empty mind...I LOVE it. This summer was no exception. My first school year ended in a blur and before I knew it, I was basking in the beauty and pure gift of a teacher's summer. I sincerely believe that God gives teachers summer so we can have the short-term memory loss wherewithal to come back and do it all over again 3 months later. Ha! Summer is a GIFT that I am incredibly grateful for and incredibly sad to see come to and end. I have officially entered into my irrational state of emotions (my poor husband) and my sleepless nights of endless to-do lists (again...my poor husband. Ha!). We have maxed out our summer and packed in SO many memories. We are seriously making the most of these kidless days and traveling as much as possible. It has been so wonderful and I am SO SO grateful.
Before the school year ended, I made the very bittersweet decision to transfer schools. This decision was made after some serious tears, wise counsel, and prayers, but in the end was made with peace and excitement for the opportunity to go "back home" to teach at New Haven Elementary. Darin and I got new jobs within days of each other that neither of us would have believed had you asked a year or even six months before. God's faithfulness is so beautiful.
Pawleys Island...
We started the summer off with a SUPER relaxing trip to Pawleys Island in South Carolina. Sweet friends of ours generously blessed us with their condo for the week and IT. WAS. AMAZING. Oh my goodness, after a crazy school year, this trip set the tone for the summer and was so restorative to the soul...and body...and mind. It was such a gift. We got a LOT of reading done, which is a favorite of ours. I think I read four trips on that trip alone and it was really fantastic. (PSA: If you haven't read a Karen Kingsbury book, you should!)
This was SERIOUSLY my happy place. I sat and read my Karen Kingsbury book in the sweet sunshine while the ocean lapped against my feet. Yes, it was as magical as it sounds. Restoration.
He's my favorite Beach Buddy
Big Life Changes...
We had a SERIOUS life change back in May. After about 6 months of a LOT of prayers and some serious spiritual and emotional growth independently and as a couple, Darin took the position of Lead Pastor at our church. I hope to blog about this journey someday because it's worthy of sharing, but looooong story short, God is incredibly faithful, sovereign, and gracious. He moved in our hearts in a way only He could and has blessed us abundantly through the love and support of our families, friends, and church family. We believe that the best for First Church is yet to come and are humbled by the opportunity to be used by God in this way. I am INSANELY proud of my Sweet Love and have been so proud to stand by his side these last 2.5 months (and the 3 years before then too).
Bucket-List Vacation...
Since we've been married, we have created a travel bucket-list and close to the top of the list was to road trip through the Northeast states. At the end of June we had the opportunity to check this trip off the list and goodness, it was absolutely BEAUTIFUL. We traveled through Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont, Maine, Rhode Island, and Connecticut during this dream vacation. Words hardly do this place justice, so maybe pictures will help capture the beauty of this trip.
Nubble Lighthouse--York, ME
Snug Harbor Farm--Hidden Gem
Portland Light Head
Acadia National Park
Sunset On Top of Cadillac Mountain
The Summit of White Mountain
Braving the 71 (!!) Mile Per Hour Wind
Lake Pickwick
For the last 6 years or so, we have traveled down to Lake Pickwick on the border of Tennessee, Mississippi, and Alabama for a few days of laughter, sunshine, and jet-skiing with dear friends of ours. I always LOVE this time with family and our precious friends and relish in the simplicity of lake life.
The North American...
In July, we had the opportunity to travel to Anaheim, California to attend the North American Christian Convention. We had the BEST time and got to hear from two of my very favorite speakers, Christine Cain and Bob Goff. These two are being used in INCREDIBLE ways for the Kingdom and it was truly a gift to learn from them. During our time in California, we got to spend a day in Disneyland, which made this Disney lover really happy. We got there at 9am and left at 1am. To say we made the most of our day is an understatement. It was awesome. I LOVE Disney. Despite the crowds, it makes me super happy. We loved this time of learning, growing, and memory-making together and were super thankful for the opportunity to go.
Dave Stone did an AMAZING job as President!
Bob Goff- My Favorite Author and Speaker
"Dinneyland!"
We watched the first Electrical Parade from the Teacups and it was magical.
Speaking of Magical...the fireworks get me. Every. Single. Time.
Fort Myers...
To wrap up the summer, we put free plane tickets toward a trip to Fort Myers to visit family. They spoiled us rotten and blessed us with ridiculous hospitality and generosity!
Other Highlights...
Watching this Girl Become a Mrs.
Holy Donuts and Friendship Time
Holiday World with the Fab 6
Family Time
So that leads me to now. A half hour from my "Back to School Bedtime" and just three days from my second first day of school. Please be in prayer for my precious kiddos and me as we begin this school year together. This job is harder than I could have ever imagined, but God is so faithful and gives me the strength and patience I often lack. I am overwhelmed by the opportunity to be these babies teacher and do not take this role and responsibility lightly. I know in just a few days these kids will become "my kids," who I will love, cry for, laugh with, think about, dream of, pray for, and consider my own.
"...for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose." -Philippians 2:3
" And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." -Colossians 3:17
