Goodness gracious. I have sat down to write this blog for several months (seriously…like 3+ months) now but haven’t had the words or the emotional energy to begin processing this past school year. By far, sophomore year was the most emotionally taxing and difficult year I have experienced. I suppose I have waited so long to truly sit and process because I wanted the good memories to flood my mind rather than the exhaustion and emotion that seemed to be far too common this year. I started this year different than I had left. I started the year with a changed heart and a shifting contentedness at UK. As the year went on, my heart was split in two as I balanced a serious relationship back home with the demands and pressure of school, friends, and CSF, in Lexington. It was a tough balance to maintain and one that became extremely emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically exhausting. My word this year was weary.
The year was full of change. Seriously. And if you know me, you know that I struggle with change. Especially when it’s not self-inflicted. Ha! Honestly, I was an emotional wreck this school year. It seemed that from October on, I cried most days. I struggled with loneliness, feeling detached, feeling torn, and feeling like I was incapable of making and keeping friends because my heart was being pulled in so many directions. I struggled to feel like I was fulfilling a purpose. I struggled with insecurity and questioned my value. I just flat out struggled. I had never experienced spiritual battle the way I did this past year. There were days I would wake up crying and with a racing heart, completely plagued with anxiety for no real reason. I would cry myself to sleep many nights praying that God would somehow reveal to me what He was doing in my life and in my heart. I longed for the Emilee that was so full of joy and so quick to laugh. I beat myself up wondering why I couldn't just choose joy and feel better. I didn't know what I was doing wrong and was desperate to find the problem and fix it. It honestly became comical how much I cried…in a pathetic kind of way. I became so frustrated with my emotions and sadness that I cried about crying. Ha! Seriously, I was a mess. A very hot mess. My heart was just so restless and desperate for peace. Oh it pains me to think back to some of those days as I prayed on my knees for God to reveal His will.
But you know what? God was there. Every single step of the way, He was there. While I truly believe that I gave Satan too many opportunities to wreck my heart and mess with my emotions, God was victorious every single time in restoring and holding my aching heart. God used this time to absolutely prove His faithfulness and sovereignty. God used my mess for His majesty and walked with me. He led me to a place of complete dependency on Him and a heart that was desperate for Him. My struggle gave me heightened sensitivity to other people's trials and struggles. It gave me a greater appreciation for my family and my friends {side note: Seriously. God placed some really amazing people in my life during this time, who were active prayer warriors and constant encouragers in my life}. And it made me even more thankful for laughter and sweet moments. It taught me that it’s okay to need people. To ask for prayer. To be held by family and friends as I cry. I learned that I didn’t always have to have it all together. I learned to take one moment and one day at a time. To treasure the people in my life. To pray for and serve other’s more passionately. I learned to be a better leader. I learned to have more compassion. God moved boldly in my heart throughout the year and while it was difficult, it was so worthwhile. Through these trials, I have seen God’s peace, love, and grace in a real way. While I failed miserably at times, I saw glimpse of what it means to consider it pure joy when we face trials BECAUSE of the way God is glorified and how we are grown in those times.
Okay, okay…that was the difficult and emotional side of the year. BUT, I refuse to let those struggles define my sophomore year of college. In the midst of the tears and frustration, there was a whole lot of goodness. The Lord encouraged me with a lot of joy and countless sweet moments this year as well.
Shift Group
I had the honor of co-leading a group of freshmen this year. What a great learning experience and joy that was! Each week, about 15 of us gathered together and reflected on life while reading through Crazy Love (first semester) and Radical (second semester). It was really amazing to watch our students and friends grow and mature. I loved their willingness to be led by two imperfect college kids. I loved hearing their hearts and watching how eagerly they pursued the Lord. I truly loved getting to know each student and was blessed by their friendship and their wisdom!
Core Group
My Core Group was such a blessing this year! My group was made up of 12 or so precious girls who were also student leaders at CSF. Oh what sweet girls they are! This school year, we studied through the book of Acts and learned what the church was intended to look like. We were challenged each week and had the opportunity to speak into and encourage one another each week. It was awesome! I treasured the time I got to spend with those sweet girls and valued their friendship and willingness to pray for me and hold me accountable.
CSF
CSF is amazing. Period. I loved being a part of a campus ministry that actively works to bring glory to the Lord and further the Kingdom. CSF is always finding new ways to reach the lost and pour into and enable students to be lights on a dark campus. I love CSF.
Woodhill
Oh Woodhill…how it makes me smile to think about this dear community. Every Monday, I had the opportunity and honor to go into a low-income neighborhood in Lexington and just love people. That’s it. No objective and no strings attached. Our only mission was to love the people like Jesus. I absolutely loved getting to love on the precious people that live in Woodhill. God showed up big time in Woodhill and radically changed the hearts and lives of our families. It’s a slow process and continues to be an uphill climb, but God is moving powerfully in Woodhill and I’m excited to see how He continues to show up and meet those people right where they are.
Wednesday Nights
How I loved Wednesday nights. Wednesday nights were set-aside for time with my best friend, Jen. Each Wednesday we adventured around Lexington…often finding ourselves at Target, Joseph Beth, or Chick Fil A. Ha! The location never mattered to us. All that mattered was that Jen and I were able to stop and breathe midweek and reflect on life. Most nights consisted of a whole lot of talking, sometimes some crying, and a ridiculous amount of laughter...and if we were at Target, a quick look at the adorable baby clothes. Just because. Throughout the year, we would laugh at how similar our situations were and how God ordained our friendship was/is. God used Jen powerfully to speak words of truth and love into my life AND to make me laugh. A bunch. Jen has shown me a kind of friendship I have prayed for, for a long time. Her joy and laughter are contagious and her honesty is so refreshing. I can’t fully explain how much of a Godsend Jen was this year. My words don’t do justice. So instead I’ll just say, Thank you, Lord!
Home Sweet Home
My little home away from home was so sweet! Our little house was absolutely adorable and was filled with a lot laughter and sweet memories. I can’t even say how much I loved living with Lydia and Katelynn. What precious and irreplaceable friends they are. They saw me at my worst times and loved me through it. They prayed for me, held me when I cried, and made me laugh. Gosh, I loved living with them. I loved the countless conversations we shared. The silliness we always found ourselves in. The constant singing and noise making. The hours of watching Friends (we may or may not have watched every season this year…guilty pleasure and excellent distraction). The nighttime conversations with us all piled on my “cloud” of a bed. The hugs. The inside jokes made. The ridiculous games played. The spontaneous adventures. The honesty and vulnerability. The learning, growing, and changing together. . The household naptimes. The walks. The interpretive dancing. The meals shared. The procrastination caused by having too much fun. Our little 105 year old house was well loved and made these precious memories possible. Such sweet, sweet times. Peace out, Girl Scout, love you, {insert roar}.
Dating
Phew, dating long distance is not for the faint of heart. It’s hard. And anyone who tells you it isn’t either hasn’t done it or shouldn’t be in that relationship. Ha! I never imagined how much I would miss getting to do life with Darin while I was away. I longed to just be able to hug him, feel him, and see him smile.You know, talking on the phone with someone is really hard when all you want to do is see them. It's almost like a tease. I longed to be able to serve alongside of him and do life with him. I would look forward to the weekends while trying to be in the moment while I was away...which proved to be difficult. I always savored our time on the weekends, but they inevitably flew by and I was left to say another goodbye. Every time I drove back to Lexington, my heart broke a little. Goodness, driving away was so tough. BUT, despite the many tears cried over missing him and longing for him, we learned so much and have such a greater appreciation for both quantity and quality time together. We learned how to communicate, encourage, and love from afar and how to make the most out of any and all time we have together. We learned to be more intentional while we were both together and apart and learned to truly savor every single moment we got to share. Darin was so amazing this school year! Seriously. As I cried and cried and cried some more, he lifted me up in prayer, encouraged me, and loved me in such a sacrificial and gentle way. He was my sounding board, my shoulder to cry on, and my constant supporter and encourager. In the midst of his own crazy life, he always so willingly and sacrificially served me and loved me. He was (and still is) so thoughtful and creative in the way he loved me and pursued me. I tear up thinking about it because I am so thankful and humbled by the way he loved me through that time. Despite the unfortunate reality of having a long-distance relationship, we had some really awesome dates and fun times and made the most out of the amazing love we had been blessed with! Darin's compassion, gentleness, kindness, patience, love, grace, silliness, creativity, adaptability, and ultimately His love for the Lord, made me fall completely in love with the amazing man that Darin Mirante is. He showed me what unconditional love looks like in a way I had never experienced before and has pursued me in such a sacrificial and beautiful way. We have learned to better love, serve, treasure, pursue, and communicate because of our long distance relationship. I'm not saying I want to go back to the days of long distance, BUT there was absolute value in that time. I am in love. And I love being in love.
NKU
Well…if you have stuck with this post all this time. Bless you! After a year of great struggle and great joy, the Lord brought me to a solution for my distracted and torn heart. There are a lot of details I’m leaving out, simply because I have written so much and am officially exhausted, BUT, drumroll please...I have decided to transfer to Northern Kentucky University. After countless prayers (and of course tears), a lot of conversations from wise family and friends, a whole lot of research, evident affirmation from the Lord, and a trip to NKU, I have decided to take a leap of faith and go where my heart can be whole again. With the education program being two years at both schools, this was the make or break time. After such a difficult year, I am letting go of the reigns and entering into uncharted and scary territory. I am leaving all that I know of college life for this new adventure. I am choosing to embrace and invest in my future rather than postponing it. I’m excited and nervous for what the future holds, but I know who holds my future. And THAT gives me great peace. I’ll always be a Wildcat at heart but will learn to share a piece of my heart to embrace my inner Norse. Onto new adventures…
